Blessed if You Do, Blessed if You Don’t

A sincere credulous belief in religion may be the single best stress-reducer possible. Whenever something bad is happening in your life, you can turn to your religion as a sure-fire placebo to make those worry symptoms vanish! Yes that’s right, folks, step right up, and we’ll cure what ails you.

Something bad about to happen? No worries, God loves you and he’ll make everything okay! Just swallow this.

*gulp*

All that praying didn’t stop that tragedy from ruining your day? Don’t worry—this life-altering excruciating experience is just a small step in God’s greater plan! You’ll look back on this and be glad that God gave you this experience someday! Now take this, talk to yourself for a while with your hands pressed together, gaze tearfully at the sky, and pray that everything ends up okay. It’ll be all over soon, and then your infinity of bliss awaits! And remember—if anything else happens to you, it’s probably just a sign that you don’t love God enough (because you’re a terrible sinner who deserves eternal torment).

*gulp*

That’s enough troubles for today; have some levity!

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3 responses to “Blessed if You Do, Blessed if You Don’t

  1. “All that praying didn’t stop that tragedy from ruining your day? Don’t worry—this life-altering excruciating experience is just a small step in God’s greater plan! You’ll look back on this and be glad that God gave you this experience someday!”

    The second sentence seems to be a somewhat theologically correct answer although it probably won’t help a suffering person half of the time. I’m not sure about the last one, though. It seems to me that it is possible that you might not even think about the experience. There’s that stuff about the sufferings of this world being incomparable to the weight of glory in the next.

    As an aside, lately I’ve been hearing that a new response to the problem of evil is to deny that God needs morally sufficient reasons to allow evil. I’m not quite sure how that one would work.

    “And remember—if anything else happens to you, it’s probably just a sign that you don’t love God enough (because you’re a terrible sinner who deserves eternal torment).”

    Was that supposed to be a caricature? If so I apologize in advance for misunderstanding you. No one can love God enough – at least not until the resurrection (Christianese for the end of the world).

    P.S. Why is this post tagged ‘oral sex kills’ and ‘God loves republicans’?

  2. This is all stuff that I’ve heard from various sources, conglomerated. The whole thing, after the first sentence, is basically satire.

    Those tags are there because they’re funny. I think it was on an episode of the Colbert Report where it was mentioned that God punishes people for sinful sex acts, which includes oral sex. The Republicans try to present themselves as God’s Own Party, which is a strange combination of ignorant, offensive, and hilarious.

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